Summer Time Blues

My last post prompted a few thought-provoking responses, and I think that has left me fearful to post again, since I don't feel at the moment I have much intelligent, passionate, or thought-provoking to say. I've also gotten out of the habit of writing on a regular basis now that my class has ended, which I would guess is also playing a role in the lack of post-age. Mostly, however, the lack of blogging is in direct correlation to the case of the "blahs" I've been battling.

I don't do well with being alone.

Not alone in the single sense; I think we've adequately covered my feelings on that. Alone in the living alone, no roommates, no-interaction-with-human-beings-I-know kind of alone. While I've come to enjoy many aspects of living alone (space for my stuff wherever, watching what I want on TV at anytime, playing my music loud and cleaning when I feel like it) I've also come to discover it has its drawbacks. The #1 drawback being a lack of human interaction in my life. I like having people around. I like having people to talk to and hang out with, or not talk to but merely have them as a presence. During the school year this need is very much fulfilled by the middle schools students who seem to require my attention every moment of the day - by the time I get home I'm thankful to have no one to talk to for a bit. In the summer, however, this is obviously not the case. Summers there is no one. Living alone is bad in the summer. Part of me wants to blame this on Missouri and say it's because my friendships here are different than those I hold with people back east. However, since I never lived alone during the summer when I was back east, it would probably be unfair to assume that (though when there are no obligations to be fulfilled here and a stretch of time with "nothing" lies before me, something in my gut is always urging me to pack up the car and point it toward the sunrise rather than stick around). So while I feel there could be truth in the Missouri factor, with nothing to compare it to we'll leave it be. Thus bringing me back to the point that summers, while living alone, are bad.

That's not to say I have zero human contact and interaction during my summer. This is not meant to be a "woe is me" tale on how I have nothing to do, and I know many of you would argue that isn't the case. There is stuff going on, this I know. And I cherish that stuff because without it I would go stark raving mad. But there is still a lot of time between the stuff. Take this weekend for example: Friday night was going to be an "alone" day, but I wound up going to hang out with some friends for a few hours. This turned about to be a blessing when the plans I'd had for Saturday fell through and thus spent the dayaround the apartment. Today: read a book and cleaned. Tomorrow: more reading, cooking, and a movie. If it weren't for the unexpected hang out on Friday and the unplanned movie that popped up for tomorrow I'd be fighting a serious person withdrawal by Tuesday's cookout. So there is stuff, but still a lot of "nothing" in between.

Most people would relish "nothing." They would love to have strings of days with nothing else to do but eat, use the bathroom, and sit around watching TV or reading. I am not one of those people. I know I need these 3 months off from teaching for the sake of my sanity and blood pressure, but I still want something to do. I cannot spend day upon day with no objective, no purpose, no accomplishment to achieve. I think this inability to really relax is hereditary - my father had the same disease while I was growing up.

So to recap:
Summer = nothing to do + too much alone time
Nothing to do = restless
Too much alone time = funk
Therefore: summer = restless funk

This equation is not constant. Other things can be added that outweigh 'nothing to do' and 'too much alone time,' changing the equivalent to summer.....just not this weekend.

On a sidenote, I mentioned a cookout on Tuesday. I'm having a little cookout here to celebrate the 4th of July before heading to the town's fireworks (complete with symphony). This will be my first planned group gathering (aka party) at my apartment here. I'm actually a little nervous. Being an OCD perfectionist I'm trying to make sure everything is planned, ready, and adequate. I've made sure there are enough side dishes in case no one brings anything. At this point, there are only 5-6 confirmed attendees, so I could wind up with a lot of leftovers. Better safe than sorry. Plus, I'm hoping more people will actually come and just haven't thought to reply....deep in my heart I'd be a little sad if my first planned party was such a tiny affair. Although it does beat being alone...